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| diary dear..
its been so long since i've been here.. as always, through the months so much happened.. i no longer feel overwhelmed by all the things dat happen.. i guess they always happen for a reason, regardless of me knowing or otherwise..
short summary of the past months, alright?
last year november i got preggie, den planned to get married.. den i miscarried before i even got married.. but no choice, continue with the marriage.. yet it wasnt blissful and happily forever after as i've always hoped and wanted.. arguements and fights aside, i cant even get a simple faithful. i'm already beyond the point of hurting and feeling upset.. now all i want is to be peaceful.. what others say or do no longer affects me.. i dont really bother abt whatever dats happening already.. cos its lyk, wads e point? just let it go e way it's been destined.. whatever happens happen. dats it. anyway.. back to my life. yups, so miscarried my poor little Esme in january, married in january.. i wonder when my divorce will be. lol.
been coping much better at work.. quite hectic since we opened, but hopefully i'm doing well enough there.. ppl there still all very friendly and nice, i really like my colleagues =) peiyan's working there too, but not as croupier.. she's gsa.. our schedules are always opposite, so not much chance to meet.. thou there were a few occasions dat either of us stayed back and we were able to meet up and chat for awhile..
last month or so i realized part of my heel bone is protruding.. didnt have e time to see doc till last week.. doc says it'll never recover to wad it was before.. if i want den hafta go for op to file it off.. dont see e need to, wad for go for op if there's a choice rite? so just leave it.. hopefully it wont get worse.. my health havent been gd, as it always was.. but recently everytime off day only i start falling sick.. plus couldnt seem to sleep well, keep waking up.. oh ya, one gd thing is dat my work uniform skirt got so loose dat i gotta downsize, den now my new one-size-smaller skirt is loose again. lol. hafta alter and make it smaller.. guess dats gd right? lol. i wanna downsize a few more skirts, den it'll be damn gd. lol.
going out tonight with peixuan, have dinner.. cos supposed to go for lyk damn long ago, but cos of my schedule i'm always too busy.. so today finally have chance, jio her out for dinner.. can do abit of catching up also.. ended work just now at 4am, but i'm still not e least bit sleepy.. its so bad, i wanna sleep but cant. =( i miss those days where i can fall asleep and keep sleeping for 15hours straight.. now even if i have e time i also cant sleep..
feel so weary both psychologically and physically.. tattered emotions, yet have e kinda 'dont give a damn already' feel.. i used to believe in true love, used to yearn for my happily forever after.. used to fantasize about my wedding.. yet when everything came and went, it doesnt feel lyk anything.. as thou all e wonderful pretty bubbles all went 'pop'. i dont know what my future will be like.. and honestly i dont have any plans or dreams about my future anymore.. everyday just come and go, it doesnt feel lyk i'm moving closer or further from anything.. cos there isnt something there in my future. i wish i can find back e kinda peace i've felt so long ago....
i'll try to update often, alright? thou it might be slightly difficult given my shifts plus spoilt laptop.. e screen broke during one of our fights. its alright, love ya diary dear.. muacks.
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| officially single from now on.
don't ask me why. don't ask me how am i. don't ask me anything.
i hate this world. you never fail to disappoint me.
i am alone. i want to be alone. i need to be alone.
i really hate crying. if only i can die right now.
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| diary dear..
it has been such a hectic week for me.. lotsa changes, challenges n stuff..
started work at Resorts World at Sentosa (RWS) as croupier on monday.. after such a long break, finally start working again.. not used to it thou, 8.30-5.30 ritual feels so crazy for me since i havent been awake during diz kinda hrs for lyk quite long already.. dardar sent me to jurong east, den i take company shuttle to work lors..
wed started e actual training, 3pm-11pm shift.. its damn damn tough, serious. but e ppl thr reali all super nice de.. even e supervisors n managers oso no airs, all quite friendly.. colleagues are nice too - we're all very helpful to each other.. =)
thurs dardar enlisted into ns, den went to tekong.. stayed over his place on wed nite, so thurs morning i came home when he left for pasir ris.. slept awhile more before getting ready for work.. e ting is, when i was otw to work... i dunno why i was super overwhelmed with e emotions i was feeling.. honestly, i dunno wad happened.. was on lrt, den i remember derez diz auntie sitting diagonally opposite me.. den i felt myself starting to tear le.. den she kept looking at me while i fumbled for tissue paper n dab my eyes lyk nth happened.. trying damn hard to not cry.. its damn stupid can.
learning lotsa stuffs in training.. reali super hectic. lotsa stuffs to remember, to learn, to gauge etc.. both my hands felt swollen, fingers and palms included. e worst part physically is dat we're standing lyk e entire day.. sat for less than 30mins in total for e entire day at work.. my legs are killing me - literally. aching lyk mad, its so painful dat at times my goosebumps will stand up n my legs feels jelly n shaky..
i noe i'm lyk complaining alot abt training la.. but actually i reali quite like e job.. training is expected to be tough de, summore considering dat derez not much time left already.. e trainers reali hafta go intensive with us.. hmm.. actually i was tinking, even if say i so heng n strike toto or big sweep etc now hor.. i oso will still continue with e job lor.. i reali like it, at least until now la.. wont noe wads gonna happen in future mah..
fri was my 1st off day.. at home whole day with sis, went downstairs to buy notebooks etc.. evening went out for dinner with my parents n sis, its been lyk how many years since we ate out tgt as a family lor.. might have 10 years even. =_= dad drove us to IMM after dinner, cos i need to buy heels for work.. went to dmk n mondo, both dun have e kind i need.. by dat time already 9plus le, no choice but to go bata n try luck.. got a pair of heels dere, damn ex can! 60bucks leh.. piangs. -.- i noe its leather n all la.. budden.. haven even get pay only spend so much on heels for work.. summore oso no design de.. basic black heels.
sat went to work in e new heels.. torture for my legs lor.. less than 30mins in e heels my right leg blister le.. 1hr nia e skin drop off. damn fucking pain. -.- pasted plaster.. but kept dropping off.. so irritating. actually hor.. i abit too greedy.. was choosing between 2 designs dat day at bata, den derez one 'square' heel de, not very high.. e other one is e one i bought, 'thin' heel plus slightly higher.. den i took e nicer looking one, so its higher.. after standing e whole day, my legs lyk gonna break already.. plus e blisters hurting lyk mad.. =/
today went to work.. kena 1st assessment on wad we have learnt so far.. damn nervous lors!! can feel my hands shaking.. dunno how i did though.. i guess maybe ard average lors.. hais. calculations damn confusing n tough.. cos need to calculate in a very short time.. plus multiplication, addition, subtraction, division.. wah piangs. if now i go back to secondary school i'll probably ace my maths. >.<
dunno today considered heng or suay.. went to work wearing a pair of old flats i had, cos sunday can dress down mah.. den e stupid shoe open up at e side all e way to e back.. end up hafta use plasters n tapes to tape it tgt.. damn paiseh lor.. den kena sliced by chips today.. tip of my index finger split, bleeding.. now i have problems typing even, cos damn pain.. damn stupid la.. cos it'll affect my performance e next few days mah.. how to pick chips properly with e stupid finger threatening to split open anytime? den if i put plaster oso will affect.. cos cannot feel e chips properly.. grr. anyway, by e time i reach my void deck.. whole shoe cannot wear already.. cos e other side oso opened up.. so now one shoe bcum 2 pcs.. luckily my colleague n her bf drove me back.. otherwise definately gone case.. i limped home barefooted on one side lor.. first time in my life diz kinda thing happened.. at max i kena was just spoil abit, but still can wear.. diz one totally gone case..
come to think of it, actually should be quite heng today.. cos today before work my mum n sis gave me a wad of plasters to bring to work in case i have more blisters etc.. den when e shoe split i have lotsa plasters to stick e shoe tgt n tahan for half a day.. finger-wise, my sis gave me round plaster today.. so juz nice i can use e round one for my finger.. plus colleague today offer to send me back.. n everyone very accommodating when i walk slower etc.. n although i almost kena kiap by lift today, in e end oso didnt cos a colleague went to stop e door in time with his hand.. so i guess i shld thank my lucky stars le..
dear diary.. i've been feeling so much emotions diz past week.. already cried for 5 nights in a row le.. its lyk.. everyday when i reach home.. i'm facing 4 walls.. derez no one to talk to.. dere are some stuffs dat even if i tell my sis or mum, they wont understand de.. den sat nite after work saw dardar smsed me while i was training.. said he had a heart seizure during training dat day.. dey gave him a jab n put him in e ward etc.. but by e time i was able to read n reply e msg, he already off his phone n went to bed le.. sighs. cant carry anything with me during training de.. everything hafta keep one side.. so its lyk.. derez nth i can do except reply him n wait for his reply e nxt day.. dun have a chance to 'msg' him properly with instant replies..
i havent been feeling so depressed for quite sometime le.. sad yes, but diz kinda feeling.. been quite long since i had it.. i'm so afraid of slipping back into e old days of suicidal tots everyday.. but i feel so tired.. so lonely.. so unhappy. its lyk e aveline in work n e aveline after work is 2 different person altogether.. i'm hurting everywhere.. backache, headache, abdomen pain, leg pain, hand pain, eye pain n swollen plus heartache.. its as thou both e mental n physical part of me sending out distress signals.. i dun even noe wad i shld do anymore..
i'm lost again. no direction at all. work, learn and den wad? cry? sleep? study? sighs.
emo.
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| diary dear..
been many months since i've written to u.. have u been missing me? will update real soon.. lotsa changes diz month.. for now, juz a nice song which touched me.. =)
Tank - 如果我变成回忆
累了 照惯例努力清醒着
也照惯例想你了
好怕一放心睡了 心跳在梦中
不听话的就停止了
听着 呼吸像浪潮摆动着
越美丽越让我忐忑
我还能珍惜什么
如果我连自己的脉搏 都难掌握
如果我变成回忆 退出了这场生命
留下你错愕哭泣
我冰冷身体 拥抱不了你
想到我让深爱的你人海孤独旅行
我会恨自己 如此狠心
如果我变成回忆 终于没那么幸运
没机会白着头发
蹒跚牵着你 看晚霞落尽
漫长时光总有一天你会伤心痊愈
若有人可以 让他陪你 我不怪你
快乐 什么时候会结束呢
哪一刻是最后一刻
想把你紧紧抱着
可知你是我生命中的 最舍不得
如果我变成回忆 退出了这场生命
留下你错愕哭泣
我冰冷身体 拥抱不了你
想到我让深爱的你人海孤独旅行
我会恨自己 如此狠心
如果我变成回忆 终于没那么幸运
没机会白着头发
蹒跚牵着你 看晚霞落尽
漫长时光总有一天你会伤心痊愈
若有人可以 让他陪你
如果我变成回忆 最怕我太不争气
顽固的赖在空气 霸占你心里每一寸空隙
原来依然爱我的你痛苦承受失去
这样不公平 请你尽力 把我忘记
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| diary dear..
i'm leaving for taiwan in abt 12hrs time.. will be back on friday, touchdown abt midnight.. very weird, thou its my first time going there i dun feel excited or much anticipation for e trip..
recently keep having e feeling lyk my life's ending soon.. its different frm e suicidal feeling i have in e past.. diz time it feels...different. lyk it might end without me doing anything..
sometimes tears come, but i'll try my best to not let them drop. derez no place where i can let any tears flow anymore.. so much in my heart, my thoughts.. things dat only i know n think about.. lotsa stuffs arent juz wad u can see on e surface.. mabbe no one knows, but my life n thoughts aint dat superficial.
came across diz song, i super love e lyrics.. it makes me feel touched.. love should be lyk diz.. =)
Tank - 会长大的幸福 (right click, save link as)
在夜市里逛地摊 送你一副耳环
你很喜欢 一整晚笑声不断
陪你看电影哭完 戏里相爱好难
迷昏感慨 现实会害人离散
你说浪漫 和贫富无关
是心让爱灿烂
在捷运车站 不在乎围观
感动亲吻起来
要你拥有会长大的幸福
一天比一天像公主 梦都被满足
为你种下会长大的幸福
让今天担心你的朋友 明天笑闹着嫉妒
要你有幸福 一天一天比一天像公主
梦都被满足
为你种下幸福 让今天担心你的那些好朋友
笑闹着嫉妒
为你 生日的夜晚 亲手料理晚餐
你真可爱 很捧场吃两碗饭
你电话有点摔坏 一直想帮你换
努力加班 你心疼得泪打转
你说浪漫 和贫富无关
是心让爱灿烂
在捷运车站 不在乎围观
感动亲吻起来
要你拥有会长大的幸福
一天比一天像公主 梦都被满足
为你种下会长大的幸福
让今天担心你的朋友 明天笑闹着嫉妒
爱是送你会长大的幸福
用生命为你变魔术 永远被保护
牵手围住会长大的幸福
任它开花结果变大树
我们唱着歌 欢呼
爱是送你幸福
每天每天每天为你变魔术
永远被保护
thanks LyMe for e nice meet up on thurs.. love ya girls, muacks =)
sorry diary dear for e lack of updates.. forgive me, derez so much dat cannot be told any longer.. still love u, muacks.
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Lifetime